Sunday, August 23, 2020

Remember?

 I miss normalcy. Remember? The time before the amnesia lost its power. Oh how I miss that. The blessed innocence that kept the forgetting from remembering. The blessed innocence that was a comforting hypnosis that nothing horrible was done. No monsters. No abusers. No pain, anguish or fear. 


I miss normalcy. Remember? The time before the forgetting lost its power. The times when I worshiped my pastor like he was the anointed spokesman from God himself. The times when I learned about God's love and His desire that good things happen for me. The times when my pastor shared communion with me and I felt the love and soft glowing light of the divine. 


I miss normalcy. Remember? The time before the forgetting lost its power. The ignorant happiness that evangelical churches were safe and predators only lurked behind the pomp and fancy robes of the Catholic faith. The altar boys the only ones being raped by men claiming God's authority.


I miss normalcy. Remember? The time before the forgetting lost its power. When she chattered about everything and nothing all day. When she was a just a liar and a thief. I couldn't remember the true depths of her depravity and selfishness. 

 

I miss normalcy. Remember? The time before the forgetting lost its power. When, bad things happened to others. When the statistics of 1 in 6 boys have been sexually assaulted, I was the five and not the one. When the stories of broken souls reborn applied to inspiring others. When the longing heartache of justice denied was felt by the others. 


I miss normalcy. Remember? The time before the forgetting lost its power. The time before Pastors, Fathers, Mothers, Siblings, Boy Scout leaders, Teachers, Babysitters, Millionaires, Billionaires were all safe. They all protected the lives and innocence of children. 


I miss normalcy. Remember? The time before the forgetting lost its power. It's all lost, the black void of missing timelines. I know it all. I know what happened. I know who did it and when. I even know the secrets that I haven't shared quite yet. The grief is still too new. There is nothing I can't remember. 


I miss normalcy. Remember? The time before the amnesia lost its power. I must move forward, I must continue to heal. I must be Perpetually Healing. I have no choice. The burden of healing from something I didn't ask for weighs on me like a cold wet blanket full of mold and worms. I miss the time before, when all of this didn't happen. 


But it did. 


iamnotbubba

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