Monday, November 7, 2011

Emotional Hostage (1)

I need to find another outlet. I have so many emotions lately I have become overwhelmed. Trapped inside my head, unable to effectively release my anger in a way that satisfies the savage beast inside me. 

There was a time, my beloved reader, that I was incapable of emotions. Oh, how I miss those days. Life was an even straight line, no ups and no downs. I was neither happy nor sad, angry or elated. I was able to lumber along lifes pathway with little or no attatchment one way or another. Oh! the blessed days of ignorance. 

As I grew older things changed. I felt as if an invisible feather, bearing the weight of a thousand worlds, was being added to me one at a time. Over many years the weight of these many feathers was beginning to become cumbersome. My shoulders hunched over, my back felt as if it was going to snap in two at any moment.  A mystery was becoming apparent in my past life that was screaming to be solved. How to identify this mystery and the desire to solve the puzzle was not great. Happy in my ignorance, I trudged along all the while a spectre loomed over me like a black cloud in the night sky only visible by the small pinpoints of light it blocked out. 

I became angry and tired of carrying the heavy weight that I could not see.  I began to seek a solution to what was causing this behavior. I started to take inventory of the weight bearing down on me. Something was wrong. I began to understand that I was broken, I had been broken for a long time. A normal human being did not behave in this obsessive addictive way. My family, wife, and children was fearful of me. Afraid that some unknown thing would set me off and ruin the whole day for everyone. 

"Why are you yelling at me!" my wife would ask during our many heated discussions. 
"I dont know! I'm angry at you!" was my reply, I knew that all I was doing was venting my anger and using her as a verbal whipping post. 
Then one day....
"Stop holding me emotionally hostage!" she screamed as she began to pack a suitcase. My underwear was first to go inside. 
"Fuck," I thought, "I need to fix this. Whats wrong with me? I cant live without her. At the same time, I'm driving her away."
"Your moving in with your mother! I cant do this anymore!" she screamed as she emptied another drawer. She was serious this time. 
"Wait, let me explain," I said, softening my tone, "I'm sorry. I'm broken. I dont know why. Give me a chance to fix this. I will do better."
Then with genuine sorrow on my face and in my voice "I'm sorry." I walked out of the room.

The next day I determined to find out what was wrong with me. I sought out my pastor at the athletic club where we went. As we sat down with a steaming cup of Starbucks coffee. "I need help, I'm angry all the time. I'm broken, why am I this way?" He began to counsel me and remind me of some of the Bible verses that I knew from long ago but I had blocked them out. It was a good refresher course on the love of Jesus.

As I drove home from those coffees at the club. I began to think, "If God is love, and I claim to be part of God by professing that I'm a Christian. Why Do I constantly demonstrate hate?" 
"What I say, and what I'm doing are two seperate things."
"The Bible says, a double-minded man is unstable in all of his ways. I am unstable."

Then it hit me. I know what I'll do. I thought about the past as I began to mentor someone into a greater understanding of the bible and lead them to Jesus. I would tell them to read "The Johns" the Gospel of John and Epistles of John. Read them over and over each day for a month, "and after that, I guarantee, that your life will be changed." I will take my own advice and read "The Johns" for one month and see what happens........



Anonymous said...

Your freedom in writing has given me hope! Thanks for sharing with me. Peace,Rocky

Perpetually Healing said...

Thank you for reading! Youre awesome!