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My Life and how I determined to change it.
An autobiography of coping with loss, childhood sexual abuse and recovery.

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This is a linear work so please click on the links above for the continuing story.




Strange


Emotions inside me,  
Torrents of uncomfortable unfamiliarity.


What is this strange sensation?

I can't bear it!


I kiss my children on the cheek,
they kiss back, Why, Why?

Harsh words bulge inside my head,
Just bursting to get out.
Laughter and kindness emote instead.

I am confused and in dread!
Where is the asshole in my head?
He is gone. Is he gone?

I am exposed and vulnerable,
I miss my wet blanket of rage.

What is this mysterious feeling?
It has been so long, I am reeling!

I am in love, I am in love.
My family, My life
I am in love, I am in love.



Tiny TV
I will tune my tiny TV,
Stretch the antenna to its height.
If I squint my eyes could I see Vanna White?

I will tune my tiny TV,
Listen to the game.
In my mind, I am the one with the fame.

I will tune my tiny TV,
Stretch the antenna high.

Behind my eyes I will hide.

Valid
Deep Breath, It's Valid.
Look Around, It's Valid.
What do you see? Its Valid.
Stop and Breathe. Its Valid.

I Believe you, can't you see?

Deep Breath, It's Valid.
Slow Down. Its not Now.
It wasn't your fault!

Deep Breath, Slow Down.

Your Valid.


Real Boy
I just want to be a real boy
if I could be a real boy Then would you love me?
no longer a toy, but a real boy
If I could be a real boy Then would I love me?
If I were a real boy, would you cast me aside like a happy meal prize?
A real boy is not broken like me




Your Shame
YOU (1)

Will you dance with me?

Take off your clothes let me see.

A secret kept between me and thee.

Straighten my books.

Let me take a look.

Don’t forget that little nook.

Communion is next,

We drink to be our best.

Come put your head on my chest

The blood of Christ makes us clean
Shhhhh, Just one more and I’ll be done
See, wasn't that fun?
Clean yourself up now
I can't have you covered in my cum

Will I see you next week?
Just a kiss on the cheek.
My shame you must keep.

ME (2)
Your disgrace blinds me.
Wondrous beauty I cannot see.
Alone, abandoned no one hears my plea

Wrapped in rags of filth and decay
Release me I pray
Your secret kept ‘til my dying day

WE (3)
From all over the world they came
some bearing their own blame.
Our demons we cannot tame!

Speak his name! Speak his name!!
No longer will you be lame
Speak his name! Speak his name!!

We spoke his name Pastor Wayne
and away we went
his shame we only lent.




Jesus Hates Me
Jesus loves me He told me my secret
Jesus hates me He told me my secret

He said “You will be stronger for it.”
I find I am weaker with it.

He said “He would lift my heavy burden.”
I find I am suffocating under its weight.

He said “You are stronger than you think you are”
I find agony as my bones are pulverized into dust.

He said “Get up! you can do it!”
I reach out for His hand and find it is not there

I said “I am alone!”
He said "Look at all those around you cheering you forward!"

Jesus loves me He told me my secret
Jesus hates me He told me my secret





War of silence

Why must the war of silence rage?
For years you thought to keep me in your cage
Alas, I have outgrown you, turn the page.
I will keep silent, it's not my place.
The war of silence exploded
A deafening silence.
Like a puppy I padded after you.
You treated me with silent indifference.
It's obvious this was your preference.
I will keep my back to you
Rejecting you as you have me.


Redirect the Shame

I was young and trusting,
Redirect the Shame
You were older and cunning
Redirect the Shame
Tell no one, You said.
Redirect the Shame
I will tell everyone, and away I fled.


Twome

Oneme couldn't remember.
Twome knew, but wouldn't say.
Oneme smiled like everything was fine.
Twome broken hearted, cried and cried.
Oneme, mirror the best. Like the rest.
Twome, hiding in fright.
Oneme, ambition to become one of them. An elite.
Twome, a useless plight.


Secret

A secret kept, knife wound.
Blood outpouring from my soul, Anemic
Pools of crimson flowing, A great red lake
Pain and grief, tears dripping.
Life force, extinguished!
Slip to death, soul reborn.
New life rises, flower blooming.
I am me again, the secret has been told.


The First Time
Vibrating erotic, Projected,
Lights off, Blackness,
Dominated,
Lights on, Sticky smell of sweat and sex,
Wash it off!! Towel dampened,
Cant remember, As if nothing happened.


The Dance
Lights flashing, Music beating.
Pretty girl leading.
Back against the wall.
Eyes darting.
Icy fingers from the past,
Squeezing breathing.
 Heart thumping, No air.
 Boy needs rescuing.


Sheol
Terror overflows from Sheol
"Not Real" I screamed

The beauty of my denial
"Not Real" I shouted

The monster I placed my trust
"Not Real" I said

My wounds open, a blistery rust
"Not Real" I whispered

Anguish envelopes my soul
"It happened" I cried


Not Real
Sadness overflows my cup
"Not Real" I screamed

The beauty of my denial
"Not Real" I shouted

The monster I placed my trust
"Not Real" I said

I have become a blistery rust
"Not Real" I whispered

Sadness envelopes my soul
"It happened" I cried



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