Saturday, February 23, 2013

Hide


Hide



I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I sit on this bus. staring out the window. I miss my daddy. I miss my friends. The kids on this bus are rude and loud. I feel small and invisible. Unseen by anyone.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I sit in this car. Staring out the window. I miss my daddy. I miss my friends. My mom is trying not to cry. I wish I could comfort her. I feel small and powerless. Unable to do anything.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I sit on this wooden pew. Staring at the pastor. I miss my daddy. I miss my friends. I prayed, I was a good Christian. He died anyway. I feel abandoned and useless. Prayer doesn’t work. No one hears me.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I stand on this stage. Staring at the bright lights. My sister is getting married. I miss my big sister. She moved out today, moved into a yellow trailer. Everyone is happy for her. I am alone, too young to leave home on my own.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I sit in this chair.. Staring into nothingness. I miss my daddy, I miss my sister. I miss my friends. I miss my church. That girl over there is cute. I wonder if she notices me. I feel ugly and fat. I am not worthy of her love and attention.    

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I sit on this plane. Another one has died.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I sit in this classroom. Staring at my book. I miss my daddy,  I miss my sister, I miss my friends, I miss my school. That girl over there is cute, smells like cigarettes. If I smoke will she like me? She showed me the color of her bra. I feel strange.  

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I sit in this restaurant. Staring at my food. I miss my daddy. I miss my sister. I miss my friends. Its the same story as yesterday. I am bored with my toys. When is it my turn to talk? I was told never to interrupt. I feel empty and unheard. Perhaps she will kiss me tomorrow.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I sit in this office. Staring at my pastor. I miss my daddy. I miss my friends. I miss my school. I miss my girl. Started going to a public school. Too far to walk. I feel nervous the pastor opened his office to talk with me. Wants to see me again next week.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Again I sit in his office. Staring out the window. Who will rescue me? No one comes. No one sees me. My clothes in a neat pile near the door. I walk to him, The taste of urine and feel of flesh upon my lips. I look upon myself from above. I feel numb and disconnected. I am used.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone and unheard I return to his office. Staring at the sermon outline before me. Agony of corrupted anus. I miss my virtue. I miss my innocence. I miss my joy. I miss my safety. I feel abandoned and less. I am no more.

I will shut my mouth and hide behind my eyes. Alone I walk home. Staring at my feet. Everyone I love has left me. I miss my home. I miss my friends. I miss my job. I have done everything they wanted me to do. What more can I do to make them love me? I feel alone and lost. I am  worthless.

I asked that red headed girl from college out yesterday. Going to take her to where I used to live in amish country and have lunch. She was quiet.  Listened to me. Laughed at my stupid jokes. Held the flower I picked close to her chest and smiled sweetly. I hope she is the one. I feel happy and valued. I hope she will go out with me again.

She held my hand today. I feel light and happy.

I married her today. I still miss my daddy but I am no longer alone. We hold hands and kiss. I stare into her light blue and gold eyes. The world fades into a myriad of color and fluffy soft clouds of joy. At long last I come out from my hiding place. I am safe, I am valuable. I am loved. I am healing. I am complete.




iamnotbubba