Wednesday, November 23, 2011

My Mistress or My Lover (4)

I learned many new things about love that first month. Too much to tell here. My honored reader, I really must say, even if I hadn't had discovered the "core issue" or the center to my troubles I would never be the same. Love is the center focal point to our human existence. Without love, hate fills the void bringing only misery and pain.

I continued all through that summer to exchange my time for time. Time with my mistress, whom I thought about constantly. For time with a new lover who wooed me in a subtle yet, a way that I could not ignore. My mistress threatened to leave me alone, broken, and empty. My lover promised to heal me and my family. Growing tired of my mistress along with the emptiness and rage she left me feeling each day.  I chose to develop and strengthen a relationship with my new lover by continuing reading in the afternoons during nap time.

After a  few weeks of this, I grew weary of the tugging between my two loves.  I began to make amends between them. I proposed an armistice treaty, one hour with my mistress and one hour with my lover. That seemed fair. My mistress and my lover were not amused. They fought constantly for my attention, and my affection. I was the victim and my family were the casualties. This was not working. The old me was coming  back, and he was stronger than ever before. Insanity loomed before me like a welcoming cloud of oblivion.

It was a hot late summer day, Liam was crying in his crib refusing to do the one thing that would make him feel better, sleep. I opened the garage door and sat down with a bottle of cold water. Opening to the book of James, I wiped the sweat from my forehead and began to search again for the answer.

As I struggled to focus on what I was reading. My mistress called to me.

"You could be in air conditioning."
"Its hot, read later. Be with me."
"The chair inside is much more comfortable."
"This Bible shit isn't working, your the same."
"Just give up. I'll never leave you."
"I've been with you always, I'm your only constant."
"You cant leave me, what would you do with your time?"
"But you love me, put that stupid book down."
"Come inside where its cool, I'll comfort your troubled mind."

Then, in a flash of focus I began to read,

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that gives to all liberally, and upbradeth (doubts) not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that waivers is like a wave of the sea that is driven with the wind and tossed. For let that man think he shall receive anything of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

I thought on this paragraph for a very long time. The argument in my head was becoming overwhelming and exhausting. My mistress was becoming angry in her jealousy. Yet my lover had something to say.

It was August 30, 2010. I wrote another prayer,

"The old me and the new me are at war! Lord, you said you would give wisdom to anyone who asks. I ask for wisdom on how to be a better new me. This battle is causing me to be unstable."

I got up and gave in to the mistress who coo'ed to me so sweetly......


iamnotbubba